MARRIAGE, DIVORCE, AND REMARRIAGE

The church today is full of people who see the Bible and God as one big rulebook to follow. That would be true if we were still under the Old Covenant - the Law of Moses and the Ten Commandments. 

But to understand the Bible correctly, we must first separate the Old from the New and identify the “rules” that apply to each. If we were Jews living in the Holy Land before Jesus came to Earth to die and rise again, the Old Testament laws would still be in effect. But we are not Jews under the Old Covenant, and Jesus did come. He brought an entirely new way of living for those who believe in God - a life not ruled by difficult laws with harsh punishments, even death, for failure to obey, but a life led by the Holy Spirit. 

This new life under grace is about continually growing in love, peace, joy, and good works. It is a life marked not by punishment for sin but by victory over sin, because Christ took upon Himself the punishment for our sins when He died on the Cross. 

LIVING UNDER GRACE, NOT LAW

It is frustrating that much of the church has been so slow to grasp the reality of what it means to live under the New Covenant. 

It’s mind-boggling that many preachers still fail to teach the difference between before and after the Cross.

If believers truly understood this, they would no longer live in fear of God’s laws. Under grace, the question is no longer, “What am I allowed or not allowed to do?” but rather, “Does what I do please the Lord and benefit me spiritually?” 

Even regarding marriage, divorce, and remarriage, believers are not under condemnation. Jesus is grace personified - that’s why He didn’t judge or condemn the woman at the well or the woman caught in the act of adultery. This doesn’t mean sin no longer exists, but that we no longer view life through the lens of sin and judgment. We no longer seek to find faults with ourselves or our brothers and sisters to judge, accuse, and punish. Instead, we grow in grace and holiness, becoming more like Christ every day. 

Marriage by itself is not always right. Divorce is not always wrong. Remarriage is not always forbidden. We are not rule-creatures under the New Covenant - we are grace-led believers empowered by the Holy Spirit to live lives that please God. Because of the power of the Holy Spirit within us, we can overcome issues we normally couldn’t. In every area of our lives, God’s marvelous grace teaches us how to walk in victory over sin. 

FROM RULE-KEEPING TO GRACE-LIVING

This shift into grace changes our whole outlook on life. 

· From being devastated over failures to relying on God’s grace for strength to overcome.

· From keeping rules out of fear of punishment to pleasing God out of love and trust. 

· From knowing we can’t get it right to knowing that God helps us in our shortcomings. 

In this article, we’ll explore nine closely connected topics: divorce, remarrying, what is an unbeliever, “The Talk”, equally and unequally yoked, when believers divorce, harmful marriage counseling, and common misconceptions in the church. 

DOES GOD HATE DIVORCE?

When God said He “hates divorce” in Malachi 2, it was not a blanket statement against all divorces. The context shows that God was condemning men who were abandoning faithful wives and abusing them while pretending to be righteous. 

“You cry out, ‘Why doesn’t the Lord accept my worship?’ I’ll tell you why! Because the Lord witnessed the vows you and your wife made when you were young. But you have been unfaithful to her, though she remained your faithful partner, the wife of your marriage vows.

Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. 

“For I hate divorce!” says the Lord, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty, says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.” 

Malachi 2:14-16 NLT

The original Hebrew text does not literally say, “God hates divorce.” The NIV gives the more accurate translation:  

“The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.”

Malachi 2:16 NIV  

This passage was written during a time when men - especially leaders - were unfaithful and divorced their wives without cause. 

Malachi 2:16 says that God hates the man who tosses out his wife, who hurts his wife, who mistreats her, who covers her with violence, especially because the husband was supposed to be her protector. 

The entire context of Malachi 1 and 2 is about God’s rebuke of Israelite men who made a show of loyalty to the Lord while cheating on their wives. When these men cried out to God because He didn’t answer their prayers, He told them that He wouldn’t bless them because of the evil ways they treat their wives. 

Malachi 2:16 is NOT about God’s anger at the act of divorce itself - His anger was directed at the hypocrisy, cruelty, and violence of these unfaithful husbands.

Yet today, many churches still misuse Malachi 2 as a weapon of fear to warn people against divorcing. Couples are told they may never divorce under any circumstance because “God hates divorce.” Some are even told to stay in marriages defiled by pornography, drunkenness, greed, or physical and emotional abuse. 

They simply have to suck it up, go to counseling, and stay together! 

Entire lives have been destroyed for staying in unfaithful and abusive marriages. This is a tragic misrepresentation of God’s heart for his children. 

DIVORCE WAS ALLOWED UNDER THE LAW 

From the beginning, God’s intention was for couples to live happily together - it was never to divorce. Yet, under the Law of Moses, divorce was permitted and even regulated. It was a common occurrence for the Jewish people - not celebrated, but it was accepted. All a man had to do was give his wife a notice of divorce, and he could send her away. 

“Suppose a man marries a woman but she does not please him. Having discovered something wrong with her, he writes a document of divorce, hands it to her, and sends her away from his house. When she leaves his house, she is free to marry another man.” 

Deuteronomy 24:1-2 NLT

When the Pharisees questioned Jesus about this law, He reminded them of God’s original intent for marriage but acknowledged that Moses allowed divorce “because of the hardness of people’s hearts.” 

“Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended.” 

Matthew 19:8 NLT

Divorce was also allowed under instances of neglect: 

“If a man who has married a slave wife takes another wife for himself, he must not neglect the rights of the first wife to food, clothing, and sexual intimacy. If he fails in any of these three obligations, she may leave as a free woman without making any payment.”

Exodus 21:10-11 NLT 

In the book of Ezra, God even commanded more than 300 Israelite men to divorce their pagan wives and send them away along with the children. This was done to restore Israel’s holiness.

Then Ezra the priest stood and said to them: “You have committed a terrible sin. By marrying pagan women, you have increased Israel’s guilt. So now confess your sin to the Lord, the God of your ancestors, and do what he demands. Separate yourselves from the people of the land and from these pagan women.” 

Ezra 10:10-11 NLT

“They vowed to divorce their wives, and they each acknowledged their guilt by offering a ram as a guilt offering.”

Ezra 10:19 NLT

“Each of these men had a pagan wife, and some even had children by these wives.”

Ezra 10:44 NLT

This shows that God doesn’t hate divorce as much as He hates unfaithfulness and rebellion against His holiness. Divorce can, in fact, be the path to restoring divine order. 

MARRYING AGAIN AFTER DIVORCE 

Now that we have exposed how the “God hates divorce”-statement has been used manipulatively and out of context, and how divorce is not an unmentionable, forbidden topic, we can talk about “remarriage.” Remarriage is when someone has been divorced and enters a new marriage. It doesn’t mean reconciliation with the same spouse.

Many Christians believe remarriage after divorce is a sin because of Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:31-32:

“You have heard the law that says, ‘A man can divorce his wife by merely giving her a written notice of divorce.’ But I say that a man who divorces his wife, unless she has been unfaithful, causes her to commit adultery. And anyone who marries a divorced woman also commits adultery.”

Matthew 5:31-32 NLT 

Did Jesus bring a new commandment when He said, “But I say” as if he was overriding the Law of Moses? No, He was merely exposing the hypocrisy of those who pretended to keep the Law so well and yet mistreat their wives. 

Under the Law, “adultery” happened when a wife had been rejected by her husband, and she then married someone else. You could say that she carried the “curse” of this rejection, of this divorce, with her for the rest of her life. She had been disgraced and thrown out like a rag, and that was the harsh reality for a divorced woman at that time. 

Some Christians get hung up on the last sentence, “And anyone who marries a divorced woman also commits adultery,” thinking that Jesus meant to say that whenever someone divorces and remarries, they are committing adultery. 

But in the New Covenant, “adultery” is not the same as a divorced person who remarries. Today, adultery is the act of unfaithfulness and can’t be viewed as the permanent condition of a rejected spouse as it was at the time of the Law. 

Cheating on your spouse is definitely a sin! But just because someone divorces you, it doesn’t make you sinful or cursed in any way. Cheaters will be held responsible for the sin of unfaithfulness, but their sin cannot be projected onto others (see 1. Corinthians 6:9-10). 

Remember, what applied under the Mosaic Law does not apply to those under the New Covenant of grace.

To summarize: whether a person under the Law of Moses was free to marry again or not has no bearing on New Covenant believers today. Jesus was referencing the Law while talking to people who were still under the Law, and He Himself was still under the Law.

WHAT IS AN UNBELIEVER?

The Bible teaches that many who call themselves believers are not truly born again. A true believer hears the voice of the Shepherd and produces spiritual fruit. False believers, however, live in sin, deceit, or hypocrisy.

Many believers today have converted to Christianity but have never experienced true rebirth by the Spirit. Therefore, they are not changed or washed by the blood. They essentially live a fake Christian life, where they pretend to fit in, but they don’t actually have a personal relationship with the Lord. Such people never show any spiritual growth, and they attend churches that teach Law instead of grace, which keeps them in bondage to sin. 

True Christians, however, are known by their sincere love, true joy, and peace within. 

These true Christians follow Christ and do not waver between Christ and the world. They have left their former sinful lives and seek only to obey God in all things. 

According to Scripture, if someone claims to be a believer but doesn’t live right with the Lord, that person is a deceiver:

If someone claims, “I know God,” but doesn’t obey God’s commandments, that person is a liar and is not living in the truth. But those who obey God’s word truly show how completely they love him. That is how we know we are living in him. Those who say they live in God should live their lives as Jesus did.

1. John 2:4-6 NLT

“Such people claim they know God, but they deny him by the way they live. They are detestable and disobedient, worthless for doing anything good.” 

Titus 1:16 NLT

When such a person who claims to be a Christian, but isn’t truly, deceives a true believer into marriage, that union is unequally yoked. If the believer later discovers the truth and seeks divorce, it cannot be a sin but rather a blessing of freedom from a deceptive situation. The true Christian has seen their error in marrying this false believer, and if there is a sin, it would be in marrying the deceiver in the first place - not in divorcing them. 

A fake believer is the same as an unbeliever. That’s why the Apostle Paul allowed divorce when a believer was unequally yoked with an unbeliever. 

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? 

2. Corinthians 6:14-15 NIV

“I meant that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people. Don’t even eat with such people.”

1. Corinthians 5:11 NLT

“They love to indulge in evil pleasures in broad daylight. They are a disgrace and a stain among you. They delight in deception even as they eat with you in your fellowship meals.” 

2. Peter 2:13 NLT

Within the church, every divorce essentially comes down to whether someone is a Christian or not. That is also why it makes sense that the Apostle Paul was so specific about what to do if one spouse is a believer and the other isn’t.

In the following passage, the Apostle Paul addresses married couples who are equally yoked:

“I instruct married couples to stay together, and this is exactly what the Lord Himself taught. A wife who leaves her husband should either stay single or go back to her husband. And a husband should not leave his wife. I don't know of anything else the Lord said about marriage. All I can do is to give you my own advice.”

1. Corinthians 7:10-12 CEV

And to those who are in an unequally yoked marriage with an unbeliever, he writes, 

“But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. 

For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. 

But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. 

But God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?”

I Corinthians 7:12-16 NKJV

At first glance, Paul’s words may seem straight-forward. However, in real life, these situations can become quite complex - especially when churches fail to discern the unique condition of each marriage and instead offer blanket advice to couples seeking help.

“THE TALK”

In 1. Corinthians 7, Paul introduced what I call “The Talk” - a conversation between a believer and an unbelieving spouse after one partner comes to Christ. 

“If a fellow believer has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to continue living with him, he must not leave her.”

1. Corinthians 7:12a NLT

Based on the words “willing to continue,” he infers that there must be an “agreement” made based on an honest discussion about whether both spouses are willing to move forward in the faith together. This “talk” should settle this issue before continuing any further. This is out of respect to both the believer, whose life has radically changed, and the unbeliever, who may not want to follow Christ.  

Whenever someone becomes a true Christian, their priorities change. They want to live a holy life and abandon their previous ways. Paul said that the couple could stay together if the unbeliever is willing to live with the believer or split up if the believer’s faith will cause problems for the unbeliever. 

“If a fellow believer has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to continue living with him, he must not leave her.” 

1. Corinthians 7:12b NLT

The “talk” or the “agreement” ultimately determines the future of a couple’s marriage. 

However, contrary to what many believe, it’s not enough for the unbelieving spouse to simply be “okay” with their partner’s new faith and priorities. True willingness means more than passive acceptance - it means choosing to walk in the same direction, fully embracing a life of faith for themselves. Without this mutual commitment to Christ, no matter how it’s viewed or justified, the marriage remains unequally yoked.

Only when both husband and wife follow Christ can there be genuine submission to one another, and only then is the marriage truly holy in God’s sight.

“For the believing wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the believing husband brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not be holy, but now they are holy.”

1. Corinthians 7:14 NLT

f the unbeliever departs or refuses to walk the same path, the believer “is no longer bound” to the other:

“But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the believing husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace.” 

1. Corinthians 7:15 NLT

HARMFUL MARRIAGE COUNSELING

One of the most painful things I’ve witnessed during my years of marriage counseling is when pastors tell struggling couples to simply “make it work,” without addressing the deeper issue of whether they are unequally yoked. The same misguided advice is often given in cases of abuse, where victims are told to “work on” their marriage. Encouraging someone to stay and “work on” an unequally yoked or abusive relationship can be devastating - especially when there is no grace, forgiveness, or genuine repentance from one side, or when one partner displays narcissistic or psychopathic traits.

The truth is, unless a pastor is particularly knowledge-able or trained, being a minister of the Word does not automatically equip them to recognize or diagnose the complex psychological dynamics that may be at play within a couple. In such cases, it is far wiser to seek professional help if the couple genuinely desires healing and restoration.

Telling people that “God wants them to stay together” regardless of the severity of their circum-stances can cause great harm. It presents a false image of God - as though He were cruel or indifferent to the suffering of His children, demanding that they simply endure their pain. That is absolutely not who God is. God hates abuse, and He is always ready to intervene when His children cry out to Him.

EQUALLY YOKED MARRIAGES

A godly marriage flourishes when both husband and wife are Spirit-led and fully submitted to Christ.

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

Ephesians 5:21 NLT

This verse speaks of mutual submission - husbands and wives yielding to one another out of reverence for the Lord, each walking faithfully in their God-given roles. Wives are called to submit to and respect their husbands, while husbands are commanded to love their wives in a Christlike, sacrificial, and humble way. 

That is why, when the Apostle Peter writes that a husband’s wife is his equal partner, he reveals what it truly means to be equally yoked - two people joined together under God’s gift of new life, walking side by side in unity and purpose.

“In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.” 

1. Peter 3:7 NLT 

The Apostle Paul further explains this divine partnership in his letter to the Ephesians:

“For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of His wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of His body, the church. 

As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. 

For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up His life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to Himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 

In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.

And we are members of His body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

Ephesians 5:22-33 NLT

Being equally yoked is the secret to everything concerning marriage. For believers, this truth is vital - not only for living in obedience to God but also for cultivating a home filled with peace and harmony that honors the Lord. 

The Apostle Paul taught that it is natural for a believing woman to remain married to her believing husband. If her husband passes away, she is free to remarry - but only to another man who is also a follower of Jesus Christ. Once again, God emphasizes that for a marriage to be truly godly and blessed, both spouses must be believers who walk in faith together.

“A wife should stay married to her husband until he dies. Then she is free to marry again, but only to a man who is a follower of the Lord.”

1. Corinthians 7:39 CEV

Let me be clear: this passage does not mean that a woman must remain bound to her husband until death if he is an unbeliever, a false Christian, or an abuser of any kind. God is not cruel! On the contrary, as we have already seen, He has made gracious provision for anyone trapped in a harmful or ungodly marriage to find freedom and peace. The same truth, of course, applies equally to men.

WHEN TWO BELIEVERS DIVORCE 

A true Christian walks in fellowship with God and is led by His Spirit. The Holy Spirit will never lead a believer into something that brings harm or destruction. Therefore, if someone finds themselves in a dysfunctional marriage, it is often because God did not join that union in the first place, or because one or both partners have chosen to ignore the Word of God in how they live out their roles as husband and wife. 

If both spouses genuinely love the Lord and are committed to obeying His Word, there should be no reason for their relationship to reach the point of irreconcilable differences or divorce. As we see in Ephesians 5:22-33, a marriage between believers thrives when both are fully surrendered to Christ and willing to follow His instructions for godly living.

Unfortunately, many churches teach that once a priest or pastor pronounces a blessing over a couple, their marriage is automatically sanctified and blessed by God. But this is simply not true. Many people enter relationships that God never approved of, and when those marriages end in separation, it becomes clear that the Lord had not joined them together. God’s blessing rests only upon the union He Himself ordains. As Jesus said:  

“Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”

Matthew 19:6 NLT

FALSEHOODS IN THE CHURCH

Beyond Jesus’ statement in Matthew 5, there are several other misunderstood passages that have been used by church leaders to impose unnecessary burdens on believers and even destroy lives. Among the most damaging teachings are the ideas that anyone who has divorced must either reconcile with their former spouse or remain unmarried for the rest of their life, and that those who have been sexually involved or living together before salvation are obligated to marry that person once they come to Christ.

Another common misinterpretation is found in the restrictions placed on those who have experienced divorce and later desire to serve in ministry. Many churches teach that a man who has been divorced can never again serve as a pastor, elder, or bishop, citing the verse:

“A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife,”

I Timothy 3:2 NKJV

However, this passage does not mean that a man may only ever have one spouse in his lifetime, and that divorce automatically disqualifies him from ministry. Sadly, this mistaken interpretation has led to the rejection and public shaming of many sincere, Spirit-filled men of God over mere marital technicalities.

Paul’s instruction simply means that a leader must be faithful to one wife, not living in polygamy or moral compromise. It speaks to character and integrity, not marital history.

Another serious misunderstanding in the church concerns believers who divorce and later remarry. Many church traditions hastily label such individuals as living in perpetual sin, but then offer no path forward - only condemnation, exclusion, and shame. How does this align with the message of the Gospel of Grace? Before making any judgment, the church should seek to understand the circumstances surrounding the divorce. Was there abuse, neglect, or betrayal? 

Or perhaps the marriage was never joined together by God to begin with? Each situation is unique, and the Lord alone knows the full truth.

RESTORATION THROUGH GRACE

Life is complex, and even believers can fall into failure or pain. But thank God, His grace is always greater than our mistakes! If someone has fallen into sin -whether through adultery, an ungodly divorce, or sexual immorality - there is still forgiveness and restoration available through sincere repentance. No situation is too broken or too far gone for God to redeem. He specializes in taking the shattered pieces of our lives and making something beautiful out of them. No situation is beyond His redemption. Divorce and remarriage are not unpardonable sins. The Cross of Christ has paid for it all.

CONCLUSION

Under the Old Covenant, marriage and divorce were governed by law. Under the New Covenant, they are governed by grace. Grace does not excuse sin - it empowers believers to live in truth and peace. Whether one remains married, separates, or remarries, the goal is always the same: to walk in love, holiness, and the freedom Christ has purchased.